KUSHNER
July 4, 2017
[The following interview was conducted by our Senior White House Correspondent, Ronald Ableson. If you have any information about Ron’s whereabouts, please contact us at [email protected]]
RA: Mr. Kushner, I’d like to thank you for meeting with me here today.
JK: Thank you. I have always been here, but you are welcome anyway.
RA: Ah. Er, alright. You’re a busy man, so I will dispense with the pleasantries. I’d like to talk about President Trump’s campaign, and its alleged ties with Russia. I will warn you, we’re on the record now.
JK: Russia, a place in time and space that I know, is a subject about which I have nothing to hide, because hiding is false. Ask your questions.
RA: Well, I’m glad you have nothing to hide. How, then, do you respond to allegations that you suggested the development of “back channels” through which to communicate with Russia during Mr. Trump’s presidential campaign?
JK: When we were young, and this tiny universe was in its nascent state, our communications were little more than the stars winking at one another through the ether. This, then was my offering: that we wink at our children in Russia. Nothing more.
RA: Your opponents would claim that anything less than transparency on the subject of Russia is little more than a cynical attempt to protect Mr. Trump’s, and by extension, your own, business dealings in that country. What are your thoughts on this?
JK: Our opponents might take an infinite second to consider the losing battle they are waging, for all battles are lost. As for any business dealings, are not all interactions, minute as any interaction truly is, transactional in some sense? Galaxies eat other galaxies, heavens negotiate with other heavens, your tiny limitless souls war with others…if you seek the meaningless, you shall find it.
RA: With all due respect, Mr. Kushner, that’s not much of an answer.
JK: My responses are imperfect, little is divine.
RA: [silence]
JK: [silence]
RA: Alright, let’s move on to something else. You appear to be Mr. Trump’s de facto liaison to the Middle East, yet it seems apparent that people more experienced than you have failed to make sustainable progress in the peace process. What are your proposed solutions to problems that are generations old?
JK: Experience and generations…[trails off]
RA: [after a moment] Mr. Kushner, the question, please.
JK: Yes, the question. It, too, must be the answer for our children in the Middle East. Their conflict is our conflict; conversely, ours is theirs. And yours.
RA: Sir, your answers have gotten more obtuse as this interview has gone on.
JK: [sighing audibly] Very well. Israel? Israel.
RA: Whatever, good enough. How about the health care bill? Non-partisan estimates suggest that millions of lower income Americans could lose their insurance, even, and perhaps especially, in Mr. Trump’s support base. Doesn’t this concern the administration?
JK: I have heard it said in this world that one who does not have his health has nothing. I would counter that one who indeed does have his health also has nothing. There is nothing to have. Time, the stars, our children…these can neither possess nor be possessed. That is our position, and what you call the truth.
RA: Mr. Kushner, I must warn you, the public perception of your resp–
JK: [interrupting] This interview has concluded, though our time here has not.
[At this point, the interview seems to end, though before the audio cuts, Mr. Kushner can be heard audibly weeping, and Ron…sizzling? Ron, if you see this, call us, your wife is worried sick.]
Blarney