A local sports talk radio station recently asked its listeners to name the three most impressive traits from any NFL Quarterbacks. Most of the responses had significant overlap, as traits such as “Brady’s brains”, “Rodgers’ Arm” and “Russell Wilson’s escapability” were often repeated. One should forgive the listeners and the hosts of 1610 for their uninformed opinions, as they have never worked in professional football and do not have any insider’s insight on such matters. The players and coaches we interviewed were nearly unanimous in their response to the question.
1. Jay Cutler’s Alcohol Tolerance
It’s no secret that Jay Cutler is the Jim Belushi of the NFL. In fact, if one does a google image search for “drunk pictures of __________”, while filling in the blank with any NFL QB’s name, a picture of Cutler drink will be on the front page of the results. His alcoholism is that ubiquitous. We all know impressive alcoholics (some even write for this blog) but amateur alcoholism cannot be compared to professional alcoholism. One former coach remarked “just when you think he’s out, he rallies like a champion and just keeps going.” Another former Bear told Babblas that the entire team was in awe of Cutler’s ability to, week after week, arrive at the stadium nearly unconscious and still manage to perform up to the level of a junior college quarterback. “I’m telling you…the guy lives on football…Football and a combination of bitters, rubbing alcohol, and auto erotic asphyxiation.” With the recent QB injury in Miami, Cutler’s prodigious drinking career has once again been put on hold, but his “Leaving Las Vegas” march towards a debauched demise can only be delayed, not stopped.
2. Ben Roethlisberger’s Escapability
Forget Russell Wilson. When it comes to clutch escapability, escapability when it really counts, nobody can hold a torch to Ben Roethlisberger. By all accounts, he should be serving several consecutive life sentences for multiple felony rape convictions, but the man figures a way out when he really needs it. Sometimes it comes in the form of having a bodyguard destroy security footage after mauling a sorority girl in Georgia. Sometimes it’s as simple as paying off the family of one of his unfortunate “fans” in Nevada. As one of his former offensive linemen put it “no doubt, this sicko should have been put away with Ted Bundy years ago, but he just keeps doing what he’s doing.” Asked about his star QB, Mike Tomlin stated the obvious “…there’s just no way to defend against him.” NFL Fans, along with society at large, has new hope that Big Ben’s days of dropping the deep ball are at an end. Roethlisberger finally married after finding that special woman who said those three magical words to him ”…don’t kill me.”
3. Collin Kaepernick’s Ability to Anger Old White Men Without Doing Anything Illegal or Even Particularly Frowned Upon
Kaepernick took a knee. That’s it. That’s literally it. Multiple other players have struck women, robbed, stolen and even run people over in a drunken rage and still continue to get offers. Kaepernick took a knee and can’t get an NFL gig to save his life. This is a man who once led the 49ers to the Superbowl. Utter his name amongst Trumpers and you can almost hear them filling up tiki torches for the march. It is impressive that a man who was making a justifiable social stance elicits hate usually reserved for pedophiles. We asked Pro Bowl Defensive End Greg Hardy about Kaepernick’s odds of making another NFL team and he stated “I beat my girlfriend and I menace families with my assault rifle while they mind their own business at local restaurants because I’m a psychopath who’s overly enthusiastic about my second amendment rights…but even I know not to kneel during the national anthem. That’s just…unforgiveable…to Archie Bunker.” Greg Hardy was signed by the Dallas Cowboys last year and is currently entertaining multiple offers.